Unnatural order of things

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Unnatural order of things
October 16 2002 at 8:43 AM
Harbinger of Death 



“Here.” Harbinger handed Tom a shiny gold badge.

“What’s this?”

“It’s for you. It’s an official Assistants Badge.”

“Thanks! You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you…you’re doing a good job, and the afterlife revenge bit is a nice touch.”

“Oh, it’s all right. I’m a little touchy when it comes to gourds and such, myself.”

They shook hands and continued their work.


“Are you sure you left it out here?” Circe asked, leading the team with a flashlight.

“Yes,” said Mania. “I had it with me, but then while I was doing my nightly zombie hunt, it fell out somewhere.”

“Zombie hunt?” Yvenna asked.

“You don’t want to know,” Red Storm assured her.

“What kind of bottle was it?”

“The usual kind. Big, brown, child-proof cap, lots of pills in it.”

“And what was this medication for?”

“My anti-hallucinatory meds.”

“Speed up, girls, let’s look harder!” Circe commanded. They scoured the woods looking for that medicine bottle, without much luck. They did find some lost jewelry, and somebody’s underwear (which stayed untouched on the forest floor), but no pills.

“Say, what are you doing here?” they heard Mania say from behind some trees.

“Who are you talking to?” Yvenna called.

“A vampire. He wants us for dinner.”

“Oh no,” Storm groaned, “she’s gone loopy. What are we going to do now?”

“Don’t move, guys,” Mania said cheerfully. “This will be a lot easier if we don’t put up a fight.”

The girls moved in on Mania to steer her gently back to the psych ward, but she wasn’t alone. A tall, pale man was with her, and he smiled at them, revealing shiny white fangs. They froze in fear, and soon felt the presence of others like him, as well as cold hands on their shoulders.

“Isn’t this cool?” Mania said. “I’ve never been bitten before.” She turned to the vampire next to her. “It’s my first time, so be careful, please.” She tilted her head so he could get a good look at her neck.

Circe, Yvenna and Storm looked up at their predators. They were equally pale and frightening.

“Ooh, mine’s cute,” said Yvenna. “Maybe when this is over we can go out or something.”

“Can’t,” he said. “I’m supposed to deliver you to some mansion, I think.”

“The guest house on Death Row,” one of the others reminded him.

“Well, couldn’t we go out first, and then go to the party?” the third said.

“I can’t go to the party at all,” said Storm. “I’m due out of town later on at the Vampire Ball. I guess I’ll fit right in, won’t I?”

“I bet they could come to the party with us!” said Yvenna.

“Are you people insane?” Circe said. “Am I the only one who thinks this whole exchange is just weird?”

“Yes,” said her vampire, and then he closed his mouth on her neck, puncturing her smooth skin. The undead beings feasted then, and the lifeblood drained sweet and hot down the vampires’ throats. Then they gave their victims a kiss, a bloody kiss of death turned to afterlife.

Moments later, the pale and frightening Debs (minus Red Storm) swooped down to the guest house with their escorts.
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