You've got to hand it to them

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You've got to hand it to them
October 26 2004 at 5:53 PM
Harbinger of Death 

Sairah and Beck were comparing notes on baby things in the flat. “I find that most of the gadgets they have these days are unnecessary,” said Beck. “But there are a few that are really handy and that I can’t do without.”

“I like the Snugli sack,” said Sairah, “so I can take the baby with me while I move around the house. She sleeps on me in the carrier.”

“That’s nice. The Moses basket is also good. It’s portable and I can simply set it on the dining room table for naps. The baby sleeps with the normal daytime light and noise level, which helps distinguish daytime from nighttime sleeping, which leads to sleeping longer at night.”

“Will the laundry basket do in a pinch?” commented ax on his way to the kitchen. “Wicker is so much nicer than plastic.” He mimicked their girly voices. They stuck their tongues out at him and went back to their discussion. In the kitchen, axman supervised Kat and Shiva as they baked explosives into cheesecakes.

“This will take care of the rats once and for all!” He cackled maniacally.

“You’ve been listening to the Evil Cackle How-To tape again, haven’t you,” guessed Shiva.

“It’s much more sinister than it was last week. Good job.” Kat tucked a wire down into the creamy filling.

“Hey flatmate, we could use a couple of sodas in here,” called Sairah.

“Make it a chai latte,” said Beck.

“Ooh, good idea. Thanks ax!”

He scowled. “No way,” he muttered to himself.

“Wait a minute,” the girls called again. “We need help putting this bassinet together.”

“Nevermind them, we have all this filling to mix up,” said Kat.

“Yeah, we take precedence. World domination trumps damsels in distress,” said Shiva.

“Give us a hand, ax!” Sairah and Beck hollered.

“No, give US a hand!” Kat pointed to the empty springform pans. They all called his name and pestered him until he couldn’t take it any more.

“Argh! Everybody quiet, or I’ll REALLY give you a hand!” yelled axman, raising his fists. (He had learned this particular move from the Intimidating Body Language How-To video.)

With a spin of the room, they were no longer in the flat. They found themselves in a high-walled wood-floor court, wearing white shorts, polo shirts and gloves.

“These are funky,” said Shiva, eyeing the unusual gloves on her hands.

“It’s like they’re made of metal, but bendable,” Sairah noted.

“I look fabulous in these shorts.” Axman circled around trying to get a better look at his own tush.

A ball appeared hovering in the air above them. It was a red ball, the size of a golf ball or thereabouts, and made of rubber. This was not unusual, but the fact that it appeared to be on fire was. As they stared at it, the ball shot through the court and bounced off the wall, flying toward Kat. She shrieked and swatted at it. It glanced off one of her gloves and went zooming the other way.

“That was fortunate,” she commented. Just then it grazed Beck’s shorts, and immediately caught them on fire. She hopped around and smacked at the flames, which went out.

“Apparently the gloves are the only thing that will deflect the fire,” she concluded.

“Fend for yourselves!” yelled Sairah. They began a heated game of handball, which wasn’t very organized but in which everyone’s arms were a blur in their efforts to bat away the fireball. It seemed to pick up speed, however, and Shiva got caught off guard while trying to get the wedgie out of her butt. (She, unlike axman, did not care for the shorts.) It shot through her upper torso like a knife through melted butter, leaving a cauterized hole in her. Beck stared horrified through it at Kat right before Shiva dropped dead.

At that moment Kat grinned an evil grin, and before their eyes, she took on a frightening demeanor. “Heads up,” she giggled with glee, and smacked the flaming ball toward the other Debs.

“Kat, what are you doing!” Sairah squealed. She tried to duck, but didn’t get down far enough fast enough, so the ball caught her in the noggin. It seared through her head, leaving a hole right through her face. A few bits of brain burst out the back of her head with the ball, which zinged by axman and bounded off the wall nearest him, going even faster now.

EK actually pursued the fireball now, slapping at it and directing it toward the two people left in the court with her. She even began to show off, doing a back-handed shot toward Beck, who nearly skirted away; the ball brushed the back of her legs, and though it left no hole, it caught her flesh on fire. In moments the flame engulfed her. She screamed piteously for only a few seconds before her charred body collapsed.

“You really don’t want to do this,” said axman, backing away, trying to avoid both EK and the ball while hopping over the bodies on the floor. EK only licked her lips and watched for the ball to come near her again. “That’s it, there goes your promotion!” he hollered, and decided to at least try and fight back. Unfortunately for him, his hand-eye coordination wasn’t as good as hers, so the next time she got behind the ball, she aimed it so that it ricocheted in the corner and went through him a good three or four times. He looked down at the holes in his chest, stomach, and leg, noted the piece of rib sticking out from one of the holes, and went down with an unceremonious “thump.”

EK looked around at her handiwork, and she reached out for the fireball. This time she caught it and held it in her gloved hand. She stared at it, and for a moment her eyes reflected the orange flicker so brightly, it looked as though her eyes themselves were aflame. She smiled gently, opened her mouth wide, and thrust the ball down her throat. It burned, oh how it burned! It left a void in its path, thus halving her, and so Kat (and whoever else was in there) went to pieces in the court.


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