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by Harbinger of Death

“We made it,” Amyrlin said sadly to her companions.

“Yeah,” sighed Letheia. “Safe and sound.”

“It’s not the end of the world,” said Sha’oori. “We’ll die next year, don’t worry.”

“I’m still disappointed,” said Rhianna. “I was looking forward to dying.”

“We all were. Well, that’s the way it goes.” Letheia shrugged.

“I have an idea!” Amyrlin said, brightening. “Let’s go to the beach!”

“Good idea! Let’s go!” They packed their tote bags and headed for the shore. It was a lovely day, comfortably cool but sunny. They played beach volleyball, had a few rounds of euchre, braided each other’s hair and napped a little. When dusk came, they decided to dig a fire pit and roast weenies and have s’mores.

“I guess it’s all right,” said Sha’oori, digging in the sand.

“What is?” Rhianna shoveled some sand behind her.

“Being forgotten.”

But then the fire pit started to suck sand in, and the girls jumped back. In a moment it was no longer a small hole in the sand, but a gaping maw with teeth. They heard a voice that was like thunder and a whisper at the same time. “I didn’t forget you,” it said. “I was just playing with your heads.” It laughed softly as tentacles shot out from the hole and grabbed their ankles. The girls screamed, trying to pull their way out of the hole’s grasp, but the sand gave them no leverage or traction. “Just like Jabba the Hut’s desert death pit,” said the voice, and the last four were sucked in to their deaths.


“What about the loopholes?” asked the Easter Bunny at the death mansion.

“I don’t know,” said the Harbinger, still a little groggy after a nap that seemed way too short. “I can’t think of anything in the movies that would take care of lurkers and such.”

“Hey, I know! How about a barion sweep?”

“A what?”

“You know, like in Star Trek: The Next Generation, when they did a barion sweep to clean out the Enterprise. It killed all the biological organisms but the ship was fine.”

“Well, that fixes the lurkers, but it’s not exactly silver screen. It’s small screen.”

Easter Bunny was a little peeved. “Unless you have a better idea, I suggest we use it.” Honestly, some people…!

Harbinger could see that Bunny was defensive. No doubt the pressures of reaping souls had taken a toll on him. It wasn’t an easy job. “All right, that’s fine, sounds good to me. Go right ahead.”

“Good.” EB turned and went to campus to initiate the last plan. As he left, the doorbell rang, and HoD went to answer it. There stood a giant turkey, looking extremely pissed off. Behind him was a crowd of pilgrims and Indians, with the same angry expressions.

“Tom!” said Harbinger. “How you doing, friend? I was just—ergh!”

The turkey grabbed HoD by the throat and lifted him off the ground. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? It’s November and you’re still killing people! You are ON MY TURF!”

“I have an official extension from the holiday icon office,” gasped the Harbinger, trying to pry the wings from his neck.

“This is totally unfair! Do you realize that these greedy bastard merchandisers have all but eliminated my season by pushing this solstice crap back farther and farther? Nobody even thinks about Thanksgiving any more, and now YOU have to go and encroach on my month!” He shook the Harbinger around, and the mob behind him cheered the turkey on.

“I’m—sorry…” Harbinger was getting faint.

“Official extension or not, if you ever lay one bone on my season again, I will have you plucked and stuffed and we will have you for dinner. Understand?” Tom Turkey growled maniacally. Harbinger could only nod. The turkey dropped Harbinger like a hot sweet potato and stalked off, his followers close behind.

The Harbinger of Death rubbed his neck. Man, that was fowl. Ha ha. The joke didn’t really make him feel better. Maybe next year he’d hire Bunny to do the job full-time. It was getting rough around here. At least he had a whole year (minus one day) until another Halloween.

November 01 2000

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